Saturday, January 03, 2009

KC SOIL EXCLUSIVE!!! ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS EAT YUPPY BREAD!!!!!!


Times are really tough right now... As a white liberal, I NEED my overpriced European bread. But being unemployed and dangling by the mere threads of my trust-fund safety net, I'm forced to settle for just one loaf of Pain de Campagne and forgo the cranberry-almond. DEAR GOD WHEN WILL THIS RECESSION END?!?!?!

Anyhoo... I'm over on the Westside, feeling good to be back near the birthplace of the Orange Revolution, and I crowd into the little bakery with all the other yuppy hipster D-bags when a couple of tall, dark men come in behind me (no homo!). I spy them from out of the corner of my eye and I'm thinking they look kind of brown. And just as I check to see if my wallet is still there...

THEY START SPEAKING SPANISH!!!


That's right! ILLEGAL ALIENS ON THE WESTSIDE! And they're shelling out the big bucks for elitist bread!! Next thing you know, they'll be buying SUSHI!!!

I didn't know whether to call La Migra (got 'em on speed dial, natch!) or shout Si se puede!

I thought the only "diversity" left on the Westside is basement-dwellers and washed-up Brown Berets. Why didn't my realtor tell me about this before I decided on the Northeast?!?! Maybe I could've afforded it after all.

Very important super-secret tipsters who know everything tell me that this is a result of Mayor Funky's catastrophic failure! And a biproduct of the co-mayor's naked toes!! (Eww!) I can't confirm it yet, but people who are a lot smarter than me (and that's pretty much everyone) believe that the shear force of Funky's downward spiral is sucking (no homo!) Kansas City into a time warp and simple-minded stereotypes are being turned inside out!! Next thing you know, white liberals like me will be listening to the Gap Band and shopping at Apple Market.

Developing...



*Note to Grandma and other readers who are no doubt puzzled: This is a spoof of Kansas City's most popular blog.

3 comments:

Applecart T. said...

ahh! a sigh of happy. got ye olde spoofe, of course, without granny disclaimer. nicely done. i hate it when my name shows up "there" much less in caps. brave on, j.

i'm not a user of names, so when someone does it "back," well. i'm sure he's reading, so i can't wait : ) really, tkc, it's been forever, don't you love my prose any more?

it's true, all people like that f-bread i can never pronounce or remember. good product, bad name=doesn't matter b/c it sells out every day before 11 a.m. (if it's the place i'm thinking of)

Xavier Onassis said...

I think this is the funniest piece of writing I've ever seen from you. Nice!

CharlieHipHop said...

Hilarious! Freak Out-esque in its absolute mastery of the ironic... (You can quote that on the book jacket if you want.)